well tum tum. here we are. sittin in the dark contemplating what i want out of life. not what i think others want for me out of life. to be honest i havnt a clue what it is i truly want…. i always thought i wanted to be out of the house at 18. 19 n a half n still at home. thought id be the first in my family to go to college. yet i didnt even go to highschool let alone “technically” finish middle school.
i often think of where i want to be in life. as in living arrangements. i find i am most happy at my aunts but feel an obligation to live with my mother n endure the hell i like to call it and put on a fake smile prob 90% of the time cause i know if im not ‘happy” i get drilled with questions. but yet if i say im unhappy its almost impossible to explain why without people thinking im downgrading them or putting them down. when in reality. im just trying to tell you whats bothering me. so i just bottle it up in most cases till it overflows into AN ALL CAPS RAGE. /Caps
the people im most closet to in life are probally you that i follow on twitter/friends on facebook. ive prob shared more with you guys then i ever have in real life. and it shows. for example i have a hard time expressing myself unless its via email/message. something about being personable(i think thats what im looking for) bugs the piss out of me. but being behind the keyboard makes me feel safe knowing that i control when i want to end the convo by simply logging off. in real tho its not that simple. theres the process of actually finishing a conversation. sigh.
and in ending to this blog tho im sure noone reads this shit but it makes me feel better to at least get this off my chest. i keep saying im going to do this or im going to do that. but we all know how that goes ;p so im not promising a date for my next blog. just assume it will be soon(ish)
-Chevon L. Ferguson
Well. time to be honest. got weighed the other day….. 324…. now when i saw that i was thinking. “wow” how did i get like this? now ive known for a good while now that i needed to lose weight… but didnt think i was that heavy… something needs to be done about it NOW. now ive asked my brother if he would walk with me when he started running for wrestling this season. he said no ofc. he rather run. eh. im at a point where i dont really care… if i die i die ya know? were all gonna die one day.
Going to the doc tho however next week to discuss my ongoing chest pains. been having em for years but just now getting to the doc about it. its to the point where it hurts just picking stuff up or breathing sometimes…. once again dont really care to go to the doc but im only doing it for the benefit of my mother. who im still convinced doesnt like me. oh well. thats all i got for this blog. will try to blog more.
-Chevy
Well good afternoon.
Lets begin todays blog on the topic of my lack of motivation for anything. i have it all set up in my head on how i want to do stuff but when it comes down to actually doing it im like “blah ill do it later” which leads to me not doing it. I.E job/school/diet. Along those lines n stuff. and maybe the fact that i feel like even if i do something i set to do im put down cause it wasnt done “correctly” or the way someone else would have done it. its almost like. if you want it done… do it your self kinda deal. dont ask me to do something then complain its not done right…. once again you guessed it… that will come in another blog.
My ideal goal would be to find a job somewhere stocking shelves to slowly get used to being around people. because a s a good friend of mine stated (Amanda) i have peoplephobia. which is actually a pretty damn accurate way of putting it. i have peoplephobia. the idea of being around people i dont know/crowds bugs the living hell out of me sometimes to the point of where i rather sit inside and not go out because i feel safer so to speak. sure that may sound a bit extreme but thats how bad it gets sometimes. i shake/get dizzy if im in a large crowd such as a mall… ive been known to get like that just going into a gas station by myself to buy something. which is why i have other people do stuff for me so i have an exuse to not confront people. when in reality i know one day im going to have to get over this if im wanting to get a job and finish my education. the true motivation for doing those two would be my grandma.
My Grandma is the most loving person a person could ever meet. shes a no nonsense tell it like it is person who if she doesnt like you…. fuck off with ya. gotta love grandmas :). i want to get a job/finish school before she passes cause i know that would make her happy to see me succeed with something. and id do anything to make her happy. once again. another story for another blog.
So in closing that is one of my many many ideal goals i wish to accomplish before i die.
-Chevy
Name: Chevon Lamarc Ferguson.
Age: 19
DOB: 7/16/1992
Weight: 300+ (not gonna lie)
Height: 6” 2’
Well now that you got some stats on me let me begin this bad boy right? Im 19. no job. quit school. and sit on my ass all day. why you ask? well if i knew i wouldnt be here asking you guys. i have it all set up in my head on what i want to do. its just how i wanna do it. you see i have this illogical fear of people/crowds that i cant get over. and some mild OCD. but thats for a different blog.
I really dont have any “motivation” anymore to do anything. wake. bake (straightedge) and play games….. the typical life of a fat internet mark. id like to say i have quite a few good friends in the online world. some i wish i knew outside of this box they call a computer. they laugh with/at me cause were cool like that. we can make jokes n whatnot without having to worry bout people getting butthurt (most of the time.) but if you know me i take it too personal sometimes… which im trying to work on. once again. another blog. this one is jsut a basic outline of flaws i may have.
I spend most of my time at my aunts on the weekends. cause its stressful at my house with mother… some background… we argue alot…. and not jsut small things. we argue ALL THE TIME. sure we can talk but let me say something “wrong” or “funny” and she snaps on me…. puts a strain on out “relationship” which at this point i feel like i dont really have with my mother and i think she knows it. she doesnt like that i spend so much time over at my aunts with the exuse “well if you like it so bad go live there” well. if that was a viable option i would. and i know my aunt would let me but i dont have any intention on doing so as i consider other peoples feelings. which is once again another flaw that i have. im too nice i think for my own good.
Now for my illogical fear of people/crowds. im talking like stuff as simple as ordering something myself when we go out to eat. i shake so bad i think im going to faint. same with large crowds. i get so worked up even tho i really shouldnt… and it pisses me off so bad that i cant just be a normal person and go out and do normal things…. oh by the way i have ADHD so that might be some of it. tho im not blaming it on that. as to be honest… i could try harder but choose not to in fear of what others think about me. as in my appearance or how i talk.. i find myself tripping over my words or talking too fast which results in studdering…. and according to some i have a really deep voice..
But yes. that is all for right now… just a basic outline of what i will be talking about in future blogs. i dont expect any of you to read it but if you do. let me know what you think.
-Chevy
Welcome to my blog
Well let this be a formal intro to the life of me. Chevon. but most call me Chevy as i despise my name….. anywho this will be my place of ranting/raging/speaking my mind about topics i feel like i need to talk about. dont like it? dont follow. im not doing this for you im doing it for me…. so yeah. off to bed now seeing as i created this.
